


kids, this is the story of how...

by unoriginal_liz



Series: lwd himym au of doom [1]
Category: Life with Derek
Genre: AU, F/M, Inspired by How I Met Your Mother
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2012-07-11
Updated: 2012-07-11
Packaged: 2018-07-23 01:18:32
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,507
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7460940
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/unoriginal_liz/pseuds/unoriginal_liz
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>LwD HIMYM AU.  </p>
<p> </p>
<p>“A life plan should be a pleasing multi-sensory experience."</p>
            </blockquote>





	kids, this is the story of how...

**Author's Note:**

> Inspired way back when by lj user cold_campbells who had a request for cracky crossover AUs where the rules of one fandom get mixed with the characters of another.
> 
> Kind of embarrassingly not-good, but it kept me writing.

_**“Kids, if there’s one thing I’ve learned, it’s that those ‘how I met your mother stories’ – well, they usually suck. So, it would be wrong of me to force you guys to listen to the story of how I met your mother.”** _

_**“Okay, dad, agreed…so why are we sitting here, again?”** _

_**“You didn’t let me finish. It would be wrong of me to force you guys to listen to the story of how I met your mother – if it was your typical, boring story. But actually, it’s kind of cool.”** _

_**“Is it also kind of optional?”** _

_**“Since I’m the dad, I’m going to say…no. So sit back, and get comfortable.** _

_**Okay, so twenty-five years ago, before I was ‘dad’, I was just regular Sam Richards, and I had this whole other life…I was twenty-seven, living in Toronto, and just getting into the swing of being an architect. I was also sharing an apartment with your Uncle Sheldon and Aunt Emily. Life was good. Life was great – or at least, that was what I thought, until…”** _

*****

“Will you marry me?” Kneeling, Sheldon pulled out a small blue velvet box from his pocket.

Sam looked down at him. “It’s like all my dreams are coming true.” He paused, “The ones I have when I eat dairy late at night, anyway.” He peered at Sheldon, still on his knees. “Aren’t you going to get up?”

“You haven’t given me your answer.”

“That’s because I’m not Emily,” Sam explained. 

“Right now for the purposes of demonstration, you are,” Sheldon countered. He raised his eyebrows meaningfully.

“Fine.” Sam sighed and gave in. “Yes, Sheldon. I will marry you.”

Sheldon scrambled to his feet, and grabbed Sam by the shoulders. “You don’t know how happy you’ve made me, baby!” He leaned forward, and closed his eyes.

Sam leaned back. “What are you doing?”

Sheldon opened his eyes. “Choreographing the moment, of course.”

“I think in normal society, that might be considered cheating.”

Sheldon frowned. “I just – I want everything to be perfect. The food, the music, the lighting…”

Sam put a hand on his shoulder. “Sheldon – it’s you and Emily.” He took the blue velvet box from Sheldon’s hands, and popped it open as he continued talking, “She’s going to take one look at the r” –

He stopped. “Okay, Sheldon – where’s the ring?”

“Sam, I’m a second year law student – how am I going to afford an engagement ring?” Sheldon shook his head as if astounded at Sam’s naivete.

“So you’re giving her a box? Sheldon – you do realize that she’s a girl, not a cat?” Sam’s forehead wrinkled. “Why are you getting engaged at all, if you can’t afford it?”

“It’s a key part of my life plan,” Sheldon explained patiently.

“Your… life plan?”

Sheldon nodded. “Yes – I’m twenty seven years old, halfway through law school and dating the love of my life. The next logical step in my life-plan is engagement.”

“But…you can’t afford it.”

Sheldon stared at him like he was from another planet. Sam returned the look. “But if I let a minor consideration like money stand in the way of my life-goals…well, that only leads to procrastination and stagnation – and those are the enemies of forward momentum.”

Sam digested this in silence. “You really have a – a life-plan?” He felt self-conscious and a little ridiculous just saying the words.

“Sure. You’ve seen it – I keep a copy on the inside of my _Introduction to Contract, Torte and Restitution Statutes from 1865-1923_. It helps keep me focused.”

Sam thought. “Is that the thing on the scented paper with the border of pink hearts?”

“A life plan should be a pleasing multi-sensory experience,” Sheldon told him.

Sam nodded thoughtfully. “I need a drink.”

*****

_  
**“Kids, something you need to understand is that when highschool ended, I pretty much lost contact with your Uncle Derek. It wasn’t something I meant to happen, but…we were going to different colleges, having different experiences (experiences that explain a lot about Uncle Derek, but…more on that later). Anyway, we just drifted apart.**  
_

_**That is, until we met up in Toronto, and began making up for lost time…”** _

Sam took another sip of his drink and asked, “Don’t you think it’s weird?”

Derek shot him a look. “It’s _Sheldon_. That goes without saying.”

“Well yeah, but…” Sam tapped his index fingers off his glass, “He’s the one about to settle down and live happily ever after with the girl of his dreams. Maybe…maybe he’s got it all figured out.” He shrugged a little, eyes focused on Derek to see how he took this. 

“Yeah. _Sheldon Shlepper_ obviously holds the secrets of the universe. _How_ much have you had to drink, again?”

Sam held his drink out of Derek’s reach and said, “He’s getting engaged to a great girl. He has a _life plan_. I’ve seen it. He even knows what they’re going to call their children.” 

“Uhmm,” Derek mumbled, looking over Sam’s shoulder, no doubt making eye-contact with a pretty girl. Sam sighed. “Don’t you ever get tired of this?”

Derek’s attention snapped back to him. “Hm?”

“This – the whole…I don’t know. Everything. Don’t you ever think about settling down – getting married?”

Derek stared at him for a second before his face softened, imperceptibly, and he said, “Yeah. Of course I do. Getting out of the city, finding a nice place in the suburbs…some kids…a dog…” he stared into the middle distance, wistfully.

Sam looked at him. “Really?”

“No,” Derek disillusioned him. “But if I can convince you…that girl sitting over there at vulnerable-o-clock is _definitely_ going to buy it.” He clapped Sam on the shoulder, then stopped as a thought struck him. “ _You’re_ not thinking about it, are you?”

“No, of course not,” Sam denied immediately. Then, “I don’t know. Maybe?”

Derek stared at him. “You want to give up being single and get married, just because Sheldon’s popping the question? I never thought I’d have to break this to you – but Sheldon Shlepper should not be anyone’s role-model.”

“It’s not that,” Sam said, searching for the words. “I just – I’m twenty seven, and…I don’t have a life plan. I don’t have any plans. And…maybe I should. Maybe I should be looking out for ‘the one,’ maybe I should be making plans for my future.”

“Great. Sheldon Shlepper is contagious,” Derek said. “I knew you shouldn’t have moved in with him.”

“I’m not saying I’m going to rush out and get engaged. I’m not even sure I want that. It’s just…Sheldon got me thinking, that’s all. Don’t you ever want to feel something…real?” 

“Real, silicone…it doesn’t matter to me,” Derek shrugged. “I guess that’s because I’m not as shallow as you are.” 

Sam sighed. “You know what? I knew it was a mistake to try and discuss this stuff with you,” Sam said, putting his empty glass down on the bar. “Just forget…” 

He stopped, mid turn.

_**“Kids, there she was. Now, I’m not saying it was like in the movies, where the guy sees the girl across the crowded bar…and just knows he’s found the person he’s meant to be with. The fact is…I didn’t know it. I just had a sense that she was different, that I’d like to get to know her.”** _

Still staring, Sam murmured, “Derek – that girl over there” –

Derek sucked in a breath through his teeth and said, “Yeah – _no_.”

“What? Why not? She’s beautiful.”

Derek sighed. “Okay, she’s hot,” he allowed, “But it’s a high-maintenance kind of hot. Look at what she’s wearing.”

“A pencil skirt and a blouse? Yeah, my spidey-senses are tingling,” Sam deadpanned.

Derek met his eyes, unamused. “A chick suit. She’s wearing a chick suit. Sure, it’s hot,” he said, “But outside of porn, no good has _ever_ come from dating a girl in a chick suit.” He sounded strangely adamant. 

Sam frowned. “What’s wrong with it?”

“It’s not the clothes per se – more…what they reveal about the girl whose body they’re covering. A chick suit tells you that the chick is serious, which is the opposite of casual…which is the opposite of _good_.”

Sam rolled his eyes.

“If that doesn’t convince you, look at the way she’s talking to her friend. She’s nodding, really engaging with what her friend’s saying, keeping constant, unwavering eye-contact. She’s not looking over her shoulder, or scoping out the guys around her. What would you call that?”

“Good manners?”

“Sam, trust me when I tell you that that girl is not looking for a casual hook up – she’s looking for The Big Picture – the serious relationship with the cutesy couple names, the meeting each other’s parents, the whole, ‘so where do you see us in five years?’ deal. That girl is stress in a skirt suit, and you are not cut out to handle that.”

Sam meant to agree with Derek – he did. Sure, Sheldon might have gotten him thinking about life-plans, but that didn’t mean he was ready to dive into the deep end of the long-term goal pool – he was still working up the courage to put a toe in that water. But almost against his will, he found his eyes returning to Her, as she made her way to the bar.

“Maybe that’s exactly the kind of girl I should be dating,” he said, instead. 

The silence that followed made him turn to face Derek, who was eyeing him with a speculative look on his face. “Okay. Shock therapy it is.” He walked past Sam, tapped Her on the shoulder, and (ignoring Sam’s low-voiced, “No – no – no”) when she swung around, he jerked his thumb in Sam’s direction and said, “Hi – have you met Sam?” and disappeared.

She looked at him, an adorably inquiring look on her face. Sam shuffled his feet and said, “…hi. I’m Sam.”

*****

“Wow – you’re all dressed up tonight,” Emily noted, as she hung up her coat. “A three piece suit? What’s the occasion?”

“What? No. No occasion,” Sheldon denied. “It’s just…a new thing we’re trying at school – we call it…Formal Fridays.”

“It seems like a lot of effort, but I don’t necessarily disapprove,” Emily decided, pulling him close, and kissing him.

When they pulled apart, Sheldon said, suddenly, “I want to cook tonight.”

Emily considered this. “I know I should probably say no, but…I’m tired. Plus, we haven’t seen Fireman Frank and his buddies in a while, so…knock yourself out.”

“Great,” Sheldon said. “Great.” He grabbed both Emily’s elbows and hauled her into an enthusiastic kiss. “This is going to be perfect, Emily – believe me.”

“I do,” Emily assured him as she flopped onto the couch. “But…just in case – we still have that meat thermometer, right?”

*****

“So…what do you do?” Sam asked.

She hesitated. “Well, right now, I’m a reporter for Metro News One.”

“Impressive.”

“Not really,” she confessed, looking suddenly softer in her business suit. “I do all those fluff pieces at the end of the news – you know, silly things like ‘monkey can play the ukulele,’ nothing life-changing. But, it’s a step in the right direction.” She bit her lip before admitting, “My goal is to make it as a real reporter, traveling the globe and changing the world with my hard-hitting, thoughtful coverage of current events.”

“Wow,” Sam said. “That’s…ambitious.”

She smiled. “How about you?”

“Me? Um…I’m an architect,” he said, spreading his hands apart a little, as if to indicate that this pretty much covered the subject. Her face remained unchanged from its expectant expression.

“Um…you want to hear about my aims and dreams as an architect,” Sam guessed slowly. “Well…I have those. Obviously. I mean – everyone does, right? Who just…coasts along, not thinking about what they’re doing, or planning for the future?” He nodded his head. “That’d just be” –

“Irresponsible,” she finished, with a bright smile, “I’m glad we agree. So…what _are_ your goals?”

“Um. My goals. Well, obviously, I – have those. Goals. But – here’s the thing,” he said, looking into her eyes, which were very blue and intense and focused on his with a concentration that was scary, and…if he was honest, really off-putting. He let out a breath, and relaxed as he decided to let sanity prevail.

He said, “Maybe we could talk more about this over dinner?” and blinked in surprise.

She looked at him for a moment, before deciding, “Okay – that…sounds nice.” She smiled and handed him a business card, before making her way over to her friend.

A few seconds later, when Derek popped up behind his shoulder, Sam was still staring down at the rectangular piece of paper between his fingers.

“She scare you back to your senses?” Derek asked.

“I think I’m going on a date with a real grown-up,” Sam told him, turning over the business card. He swallowed.

*****

The next night, when the happy couple made their way down to the bar, Derek was already there. He raised his eyebrows when he saw Emily (now wearing an eyepatch on her left eye) and Sheldon, hand in hand. “I really need some new people to hang out with,” he muttered to himself, as he waved them over.

“Did you forget to leave the role-playing accessories in the bedroom?” he asked. “Again?”

Emily blinked at him with her one good eye before realizing, “Oh – this. No – this isn’t an accessory. Turns out that Sheldon’s got amazing aim with a champagne cork.”

“Domestic violence,” Derek mused. “I guess it makes sense – marriage isn’t called the old ‘ball and chain’ for nothing.” He offered them a wide, fake smile and raised his glass. “Congratulations, by the way!”

Emily made a face at him before holding out her right hand and asking, “So – what do you think?”

“I…think there’s no ring there,” Derek said, squinting at her hand.

“But there will be,” Emily said firmly, “In six to eight easy installments.” She looked down at her hand. “A round solitaire medium green emerald set in fourteen carat white gold.” She smiled fondly, as if she could already see it on her finger.

“So,” Sheldon said, “I guess you probably want to hear all about last night, huh?”

Derek stared at him. “Do you think this complete inability to read people is going to hold you back as a lawyer?”

“It was perfect,” Sheldon began, gazing at Emily, who smiled back, and said, “It was.” She turned to Derek. “Fireman Frank says ‘Hey,’ by the way. Oh, and Guido says he’ll kick your ass if you ever try to talk to his sister again.”

Derek tilted his head to the side. “Understandable.”

“And now, spill,” Emily said. At Derek’s uncomprehending look, she said, “Sam’s date? The girl who might be The One? Details, please.”

“It’s all so perfect,” Sheldon mused. “First we get engaged, then Sam meets the love of his life…” he frowned, “Of course, you’re kind of a loose end in all this” –

“Thanks,” Derek said, deadpan.

“ – but with intensive retraining and given a girl with low enough standards…even you might find happiness sometime,” Sheldon offered, with sincerity so strong it was practically radioactive.

Emily looked up and clapped her hands, “There he is! Sam!” She beckoned him over, before tapping her hands on the table. Derek caught her eye.

“It’s exciting,” she said, a little defensively. “I mean, sometimes it’s a little lonely, being the token girl in the clubhouse. So,” she turned to Sam, who had arrived at the table, “How did it go?”

“It was…interesting,” Sam said, sliding in next to Derek.

“That means that halfway through the date Sam realised that ditching our standing laser-tag engagement for a date was almost as crazy as that girl turned out to be,” Derek translated for Emily and Sheldon.

“She’s not crazy,” Sam denied. He waited a beat. “Not…entirely.”

*****

Thanks to the blue French horn hanging on the wall, the date conversation turned to past relationships. “The most romantic thing an ex ever did for me was stand under my dorm window and serenade me,” she said. “We were in a drama group together and I was worried about messing up the dynamic of the show, but…after that, I just had to give him a chance.” She smiled and took a sip of her drink. “So, what’s the most romantic thing you’ve ever done for a girl?”

“Um,” Sam said, intelligently, wiping his chin. “I’m…more of an everyday kind of boyfriend. Not really a showy gestures guy.”

Casey blinked. “Oh.” She smiled perfunctorily and twirled her fork through her pasta.

“But,” he rallied, “I like to think that’s…because I haven’t met the right person. Yet.”

*****

“Good,” Emily nodded. “Nice save.” Beside her, Sheldon’s hands had balled into hopeful fists. Derek stared at them in disbelief before letting his head fall back and regarding the ceiling.

“What happened next?” Sheldon asked anxiously.

“That’s…when it got a little weird,” Sam explained.

*****

“So, architecture,” she said encouragingly. “That’s a career that requires drive and ambition.”

“I guess,” Sam said.

“So – what’s your dream? Your ultimate goal as an architect?”

“To…design buildings that don’t fall down?” he offered.

*****

Emily winced. “We talked about this, Sam.”

“I know,” he said. “And I spent all last night coming up with all these goals and ambitions I should have, but…I don’t. And – when I looked across the table at her, I just…couldn’t pretend. I didn’t want to lie to her.”

“So you told her the truth?” Emily sounded despondent.

“The whole truth,” Sam confirmed, over the sound of Derek fake-snoring beside him.

*****

She rearranged the cutlery, looking a little rattled, before composing herself, and looking up again with a bright, polished smile. “Relationships,” she said.

“Uh,” Sam said.

“Where do you stand on relationships? Any long-term goals as regards marriage and children?”

“That’s…I mean…I’m not – opposed to those things,” he said. “In…theory. I can see them happening. Sometime. Maybe.” He released a deep breath and said, “Actually – to be totally honest with you…I haven’t ever really thought about it.”

*****

“No!” Emily said, burying her face in her hands.

Sheldon patted him on the shoulder and told him, “Remember, tis better to have loved and lost…” he stopped, and admitted, honestly, “Though, not as satisfying as it would be to have loved and _won_ , obviously” –

“Obviously,” Sam agreed.

Emily’s head shot up. “Did you at least kiss her?” she demanded.

Sam frowned. “No, of course not.”

Emily groaned.

“It’s not like she was going to give me the signal after that,” Sam defended.

She stared at him, pityingly. “Sam, there’s no such thing as ‘the signal’. If there was such a thing as ‘the signal,’ do you think Sheldon and I would _ever_ have gotten together?”

“Hey,” Sheldon said, sounding hurt. Emily turned to him, “I’m sorry, baby, but – you do _remember_ our first date, right?”

With a showy yawn and stretch, Derek came to life beside Sam. “Oh hey – looks like I nodded off. Must’ve been all that talk about Crazy-chick. Good thing we’re done with _that_ subject, right?”

“She’s not crazy,” Sam said. 

“Uh-huh. Let me remind you - in her language ‘date’ translates to ‘interrogation.’ Which translates to ‘crazy’ in my book. I tried to warn you,” he said.

“I liked her,” Sam said. Emily patted his hand sympathetically. “I _really_ liked her,” he repeated. “And – yeah, she’s crazy-organised, and she’s got her whole life mapped out, but…that’s what people do, right? Some people?” he corrected. “And she’s – just being honest and upfront about it. And yeah – it’s scary to be presented with this blueprint for the future, but…maybe it’s even scarier to just…drift through life without any plan.”

“No, I’m pretty sure the first one’s crazier,” Derek told him.

“Maybe she is the one.” He looked at Emily and Sheldon, and told them, “She hates olives.”

“The olive theory?” Sheldon asked in a quiet voice. 

“The olive theory,” he nodded.

“That does it – you _have_ to call her,” Emily decided.

“No,” Sam said.

With a start, Derek’s head jerked up and he said, fake-dazed, “Wha’ – hm, sorry…I missed that. Are we talking sense again?”

“I have to see her,” Sam said. Derek groaned and let his head fall back again.

*****

Sometime later, and after a brief, felonious stop to procure a blue French Horn, they were piled in a taxi outside her apartment.

“It’s not too late to reconsider,” Derek told him. 

“Yes, it is,” Sam disagreed, but made no move to get out of the car.

“No, it’s not. I mean – think about it. Why do you think you crashed and burned at dinner?”

Sam frowned. “Because I just couldn’t lie to her. I had to be honest.”

Derek imitated an ‘incorrect answer’ buzzer, “Wrong. You did it because even though you think you’re _supposed_ to want the stuff she does…you don’t. You screwing up was a Get Out of Commitment Free card.”

Sam frowned. 

“Don’t listen to him,” Emily urged.

“Yeah – it’s never too late to develop a life plan,” Sheldon advised him.

Sam took a deep breath, and exited the car.

*****

He pressed the buzzer for her flat, before abruptly turning and walking away. However, before he got too far (just close enough to see the disappointed looks on Emily and Sheldon’s faces, and the amused one on Derek’s), a voice called out from above his head, “Sam?”

Slowly, he turned, and looked up at her. He brandished the blue French Horn a little sheepishly, and said, “I, uh, I was going to serenade you, but…I guess I should probably take some music classes first?”

She stared down at him for a long moment, before saying, “Do you want to come up?”

*****

“Can I confess something to you?” Sheldon asked, just after Emily went on a bodega-bathroom search.

“Please don’t,” Derek said, looking straight ahead.

“I have to. It’s eating away at me,” he said. As he looked down at his hands, he admitted, in a low voice, “I don’t hate olives.”

Derek stared at him. “Is that _code_ for something? No – don’t tell me.”

“It was the first week of college, our first date. But everything went wrong – I knocked over the candle, I spilled wine on her dress…she found a bolt in the paella…”

Derek closed his eyes.

“Without a miracle, it was going to be our last date. And then – it happened. Emily said, ‘Can I have your olives?’ And I said, ‘Yeah. I hate olives,’ giving birth to the olive theory as well as a lie that would continue to haunt our relationship to this day…” He sighed. “It wasn’t my proudest moment.”

He looked over at Derek, who was leaning his head against the window, eyes closed. “Just so you know, right now I’m dreaming about making new, non-lame friends,” he informed Sheldon.

“You’re right,” Sheldon decided. “I have to tell her. I can’t let this deceit continue to poison our hard-won happiness.” He turned to his right, jumping a little when he saw Emily outside the open window. Nonetheless, his will remained firm. “Emily,” he said. “I have something to tell you that may shock and/or disappoint you.” He squared his shoulders. “I don’t hate olives.”

Emily looked at him. “Sheldon. I’m wearing an invisible engagement ring, and an eyepatch because you blinded me with a champagne cork when you proposed. And you think you liking olives is the deal-breaker?” 

She leaned in the open window and kissed him.

*****

“So,” she said, encouragingly.

Sam held out the blue French Horn and she took it. 

“I want kids,” he said suddenly.

She opened her mouth.

“But not right away!” he said, holding his arms out as if he feared she was going to immediately produce some babies. “Sometime in the future. Probably. I think.”

“Okay,” she said, slowly.

“And marriage – that’s…okay too. I can see that happening. You know. At some point…I’m almost certain.”

“Is that everything?” she asked.

“Yeah. I think so,” Sam said, before suddenly shaking his head. “No. That’s not it. The truth is…I really _haven’t_ thought about that stuff. I don’t know where I want to be in five years, whether I want to get married, or have kids.” He paused. “Though I think the ‘designing buildings that won’t fall down’ stuff still holds.”

She looked down, fighting a smile, and he continued, emboldened, “But the one thing I do know – is that I want someone I can be real with. And...I feel that with you. You make me want to be honest. You make me _want_ to think about this stuff. And that’s good, right?”

She glanced up at him and smiled. “Yeah,” she said. “But I don’t think it’s enough. Don’t get me wrong, Sam. I think you’re a great guy, but…you really don’t know what you want. And I do. And maybe you think it’s ridiculous to have all these goals and expectations and to lay them out on a first date” –

“It’s the kind of crazy I’d like to get to know,” he interrupted.

She smiled, but shook her head a little, and continued, “But – I do that for a reason. I'm done wasting my time with some guy who doesn’t know what he wants, hoping that when he figures it out, it’ll turn out to be the same thing I want.”

She took a step closer to him. “It’s great that you want to be real with someone, that you’re searching for something more, but…I don’t know if that’s enough for me. Not right now.”

Sam looked at her in silence, then nodded his head once. “I guess this is goodbye, then.”

“Yeah,” she agreed. “It probably is.”

He held out his hand and after a second, she took it, and they slowly shook hands.

*****

“Question – if you really wanted something ‘real,’ with this girl,” Derek said, complete with finger-quotes, “Why would you keep purposely missing the signal? Answer...” he thought for a second, "I'll take, 'doesn't want to commit' for two hundred, Alex."

Sam frowned. “There wasn’t a signal.” He met Emily and Sheldon’s pitying eyes. “That wasn’t the signal, right?”

“There’s no such thing as the signal,” Emily said, before apologetically admitting, “But I think you might have missed it anyway.”

*****

**  
_“And that was that. I never thought I’d see her again. But something was already changing for me, something big, even though I didn’t realize it until later. Sometimes it’s hard to see how things are going to work out when you’re too close to them. Of course, I did see that girl again._  
**

**_As a matter of fact, that's the story of how I met your Aunt Casey."_ **

**_“…Aunt Casey? I thought this was supposed to be how you met mom?”_ **

**_“It is – but you’re never going to appreciate the punchline if the set-up’s not right. So, where was I?”_ **


End file.
